Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Results from October

12 long days.  AGAIN!  Its literally the longest 12 days of your life.  You are trying to pay attention to your body, to figure out if you are pregnant or not.  We wanted this so much, we had come so far.  It had been 2 years, and we were exhausted.  I know some people try for longer, and we would have but we decided to go for the big guns.  I was now in my 30's and I knew that time would start ticking.

12th day, into the clinic, tested and waited for the call.  The call came, positive!  Got the numbers, and they were good, come back in 2 days, to see if the levels had doubled.  2 days later, came back the numbers had gone up, but not doubled.  They said that was ok, to come back in 2 days.  2 days later, numbers went up a little more but didn't double.   I was getting scared.  They told me that it was inconclusive just yet, to wait it out.   I was 5 weeks at this point, and I started spotting.  They told me that was normal.  A week later, I started bleeding more, 6 weeks now.  I went in for an ultrasound.  There it was, on the screen, the embryo in a little open space in my uterus.  I saw it.  But the doctor said, you know, its a little flat looking, which isn't good.  He said there was a chance of another miscarriage to come back in a few days.  In the mean time, go home, lay flat, relax, drink water.

The weekend came and went and I went back to work.  Then things started happening.  I started having contractions at work one day.  I know they were not as strong as labor, but I am pretty sure they were like mild labor.  They were worse than period cramps, and they were 5 min apart.  They made me tear up in pain, and couldn't breathe properly.  I was in a meeting, and I couldn't stand it.  I had to leave.  As soon as it was over, I took my manager aside, and told her, "I think I am having a miscarriage".  She immediately told me to go home, or do what I needed to do.  As hard as it was, I left, and I called the doc.  They told me to come in, they would work me in.  Hubby said he couldn't be there, but to call him when I went in, he would be on speaker.  Still contracting, and bleeding a lot, I went in.  Another ultrasound, and hubs on the phone, there was nothing.  It was gone, or leaving.  I burst into tears, they were truly the worst tears.  He was crying on the line, the nurse was hugging me, and the doctor was just telling me how sorry he was.  He was not happy either.  This was our 2nd miscarriage that year, and one IVF, one FET.  Again, devastation.  I went home, and my MIL drove from South Carolina to be with us.   That night, I remember basically collapsing on the bathroom floor, with my husband, in tears.  I was in so much pain emotionally, and I couldn't express anything but cry.  Luckily it was getting close to the weekend, so I took that Friday off, and just rested.  I bled for a month this time.  Then I went to NC for Thanksgiving.  We had talked about telling them at dinner about the baby, but now we just had to deal with the loss.  I was still bleeding while in NC.  I think I finally stopped around the first of December.

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