Tuesday, April 21, 2015

The call

I will have to say, it was taking me time to get over things.  I know I didn't have the pregnancy long, but it was there, and it took so much to get there.  We wanted to go to a game in NC, and see friends.  We figured that would be fun.  We also started looking into a vacation for the two of us, to get away, we decided October would be our best month.  We had a few things to look forward to and that was exciting.  So in September we decided to make the trek to NC.

I got a call one afternoon, it was late August maybe first of September.  I literally had just finished miscarrying, and I had gotten my smile back.   If we had had the baby, we would have been due in April 2014.   We had been working on our next idea for the house, and Hubby and I were strong.  My good friend back home called, and she wanted to talk about the upcoming game.  She was going to be there with her husband, along with several others we were excited to see.  I will never forget it, I was in the parking lot of the grocery store, about to go in to get dinner, and she said "Candace, I wanted to tell you before you all came for the game, that we are pregnant and due in April!"  I think I died inside, but held it together for the call and told her how happy I was!  I had to lie, I mean I was happy for her, but I was lying to myself.  She said she was due beginning of April, exact week we would have been due.  It was uncanny.  I then had to see her and others at the game in a few weeks, and I had to keep it all together.  I didn't tell her a thing, I wanted her to be happy with everything and I wanted to be happy for her.

No one could understand what we had gone through, no one we knew that is, and no one really knew how we felt.  It was not something I would wish upon anyone.  But when you get news of friends or anyone expecting, you can't help but have this pit in your stomach just hurt.  Its like someone is stabbing you in the stomach, you have to stop the tears and stop any words of pain coming out of your mouth.  You then get this strange almost reflux come up through your throat, and hang there, almost paralyzing your voice.  Then you have to smile, and laugh and seem excited through watery eyes that you are holding back, and sarcasm.  You don't want to be that way, you aren't that way but its the way you feel at the moment.  You want a family so much it hurts.  You want your husband to have a child so much, that you feel inadequate.  Its a horrible feeling.  You just want to run in a hole, and not come out till you are pregnant.  I don't think I can describe those feelings any different, you don't want to feel the way you do or act the way you act, but you do and you can't help it.  Its like something else takes over.

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