The group

After the last miscarriage, reality set in.  This may not happen ever.  We didn't have luck on our own, we didn't have luck with medication, and the procedures, I was beginning to wonder what was wrong with me.  (I know every girl says that, and they shouldn't, its the way your body is, its not something you can help).

So I wanted to find others that may be in my same situation.  Thats not easy to do, not many people talk about it, and definitely don't say on Facebook, hey guess what we are infertile!  So you have to search.  A friend of mine introduced me to a girl in NC over FB that had been through 5 miscarriages, but never fertility treatments.  She and I started chatting, and she mentioned that I should visit a group.  That felt like AA or something, a group to talk about my feelings.  I thought well, I guess it couldn't hurt.  Why not!!  So, she helped me locate one in Florida, and soon after the last miscarriage I went to a meeting.

It was so odd, I showed up at the church, and walked into a group of randomness.  There were all sorts of walks of life, all couples and I was alone.  I didn't think hubby would want to go, so it was just me.  In reality I wished he was there.  I heard everyone's stories, and I cried for them.  I mean my story seemed so minor compared to theres.  Loosing kids, loosing babies it was horrible.  It made me scared to have one.  I thought, there is too much loss out there.  I left the meeting so upset and so frustrated for those people.  I couldn't believe how much pain they had gone through.  The whole thing made me sick.  In theory, the idea of a group is good.  I think it helped me put things in perspective, but it made me sad.  This was real and I wished it wasn't.

Soon after that, we went back to the doctor to talk about options, and what had happened to us that year.  Doctor told us he wanted me to have a panel of bloodwork done called a miscarriage panel, and recommended surgery to see what was going on in my uterus.  All this scared me, but we figured it was best.  So we scheduled the surgery for the end of January and did the bloodwork right before the holidays.  We had done so much and come so far to not know.