The busiest month ever, May 2014

The winter was sort, but thats the way it is in Florida, short and sweet.  I was busy with work, trying to get one of the biggest projects I have worked on underway, a healthcare clinic.  For once I had a project that was high level!  I was busy with Etsy, since all I had been doing was crafts to keep my mind off of everything going on in our lives.  My marriage was strong, and we were happy.  I was even happy with my weight, which was something I spent the entire year of 2013 on due to PCOS.  Overall I really had things good, the only thing missing was the start of our family.  But, May was coming and that was when we were going to do another FET, end of the month.  I got a all end of March, the nurse said they had openings on May 9th, and she wanted to encourage me to take that day instead.  I was hesitant but I figured it was a sign I should say yes.

Hubby booked the annual cruise with the company, it was on our anniversary weekend, which would include his parents, brother and sister in law and their 18 month old son.  So here I was counting days till the FET, and realized that after May 9th, we would wait 2 weeks and find out yay or nay.  That would be about the time we would be going on the cruise.  So I could have a fabulous time with good news, or bleed the whole time on my period or miscarry along with an 18 month old by our sides.  Boy I couldn't wait!  Of course after our misfortunes we had had, I thought the worse, I didn't want to get my hopes up.  And it was our 4 year anniversary, so I guess I just had to keep moving and not think about it too much or it would consume me.

We started medication, this time, I added heparin shots every day since I had a clotting factor, and progesterone shots, which I taken before, but this time I was determined to take them the whole time, for a month, rather than switch over to the cream.  I was told that the shots were more effective.  I had a long spring ahead of me, well us!  Tons of shots, and medication.

This was a rose from our rose bush, one of 2 that we planted for our past miscarriages.  Oddly enough, both rose bushes bloomed the week of our FET, along with 1 purple Iris from hubby's grandmothers yard, and a white lily.  I really think it was too ironic, don't you think?  

2014, another new year...

2014 had arrived.  I reflected on 2013.  It had been quite a year.  We did IVF, had a miscarriage, I had been to Neocon in Chicago which was something I had always wanted to do, we had been to the gulf coast, we had an FET, and another loss, and I landed a large clinic project at work.  My career seemed to be going so well, and our personal lives were good, minus the losses.  We got the bloodwork back that I did before the holidays.  I had a blood clotting disorder called MTHFR.  Hmm...interesting!  The doctor said he saw this a lot with reoccurring miscarriages, and if we did the procedures again, he would recommend being on heparin.  And so we then did our little surgery, to come to find out I had a septum in my uterus, which the doctor removed.  Another thing was that the embryo may have attached to the septum, which doesn't have any blood flow.  So we had 2 things we had found out in less than a month and after a year of heart ache.  I hate that we couldn't have found this sooner, but sometimes you try to do the least invasive thing before you go in and do more.  Its a conservative approach and I get it.

We had found some potential culprits, but I wasn't ready to jump back into the fertility pool just yet.  I needed to take some time.  My husband agreed, so I focused on work an the house for a couple of months.  End of March, we started talking about it again.  We wanted a family, we wanted a baby, it was looming. I got my nerve back up quicker than I thought.  So I called the doctor and scheduled an end of May procedure.

The group

After the last miscarriage, reality set in.  This may not happen ever.  We didn't have luck on our own, we didn't have luck with medication, and the procedures, I was beginning to wonder what was wrong with me.  (I know every girl says that, and they shouldn't, its the way your body is, its not something you can help).

So I wanted to find others that may be in my same situation.  Thats not easy to do, not many people talk about it, and definitely don't say on Facebook, hey guess what we are infertile!  So you have to search.  A friend of mine introduced me to a girl in NC over FB that had been through 5 miscarriages, but never fertility treatments.  She and I started chatting, and she mentioned that I should visit a group.  That felt like AA or something, a group to talk about my feelings.  I thought well, I guess it couldn't hurt.  Why not!!  So, she helped me locate one in Florida, and soon after the last miscarriage I went to a meeting.

It was so odd, I showed up at the church, and walked into a group of randomness.  There were all sorts of walks of life, all couples and I was alone.  I didn't think hubby would want to go, so it was just me.  In reality I wished he was there.  I heard everyone's stories, and I cried for them.  I mean my story seemed so minor compared to theres.  Loosing kids, loosing babies it was horrible.  It made me scared to have one.  I thought, there is too much loss out there.  I left the meeting so upset and so frustrated for those people.  I couldn't believe how much pain they had gone through.  The whole thing made me sick.  In theory, the idea of a group is good.  I think it helped me put things in perspective, but it made me sad.  This was real and I wished it wasn't.

Soon after that, we went back to the doctor to talk about options, and what had happened to us that year.  Doctor told us he wanted me to have a panel of bloodwork done called a miscarriage panel, and recommended surgery to see what was going on in my uterus.  All this scared me, but we figured it was best.  So we scheduled the surgery for the end of January and did the bloodwork right before the holidays.  We had done so much and come so far to not know.

Craft fair, and pregnant...(November)

A good friend of mine asked me to display my Blue Chair product at her craft fair.  I gladly said yes!  It was going to benefit the humane society, which I thought was great!  So part of our profit would go to the dogs and cats!  So exciting!  So she asked me well, back in the summer, so I started getting my inventory ready back in June.  I knew I had a lot to work on, and I worked full time, and we were about to start all the fertility treatments.  I didn't know what would come of anything.  

Sorry this post is a little out of order, but at the time of this craft fair I was about 5 weeks pregnant in November, not knowing that the outcome of this one was going to be a loss.  I had literally poured myself into sewing and projects to keep my mind off of things from the previous loss.  Its just a blur, looking back at the whole process.  This helped at times, to just lock myself into the sewing room and not come out for hours during the weekends.  I didn't have to answer to anyone outside, or spend time with anyone, who would ask me why I wasn't pregnant or had kids yet.  Its just a crazy time, when you are going through fertility treatments, and not telling people around you.  Its heartbreaking when you get the news that it didn't work, or that it did and it was only a matter of time that you wouldn't have it anymore.  Its so sad, and so many women and men go through this struggle.  

Results from October

12 long days.  AGAIN!  Its literally the longest 12 days of your life.  You are trying to pay attention to your body, to figure out if you are pregnant or not.  We wanted this so much, we had come so far.  It had been 2 years, and we were exhausted.  I know some people try for longer, and we would have but we decided to go for the big guns.  I was now in my 30's and I knew that time would start ticking.

12th day, into the clinic, tested and waited for the call.  The call came, positive!  Got the numbers, and they were good, come back in 2 days, to see if the levels had doubled.  2 days later, came back the numbers had gone up, but not doubled.  They said that was ok, to come back in 2 days.  2 days later, numbers went up a little more but didn't double.   I was getting scared.  They told me that it was inconclusive just yet, to wait it out.   I was 5 weeks at this point, and I started spotting.  They told me that was normal.  A week later, I started bleeding more, 6 weeks now.  I went in for an ultrasound.  There it was, on the screen, the embryo in a little open space in my uterus.  I saw it.  But the doctor said, you know, its a little flat looking, which isn't good.  He said there was a chance of another miscarriage to come back in a few days.  In the mean time, go home, lay flat, relax, drink water.

The weekend came and went and I went back to work.  Then things started happening.  I started having contractions at work one day.  I know they were not as strong as labor, but I am pretty sure they were like mild labor.  They were worse than period cramps, and they were 5 min apart.  They made me tear up in pain, and couldn't breathe properly.  I was in a meeting, and I couldn't stand it.  I had to leave.  As soon as it was over, I took my manager aside, and told her, "I think I am having a miscarriage".  She immediately told me to go home, or do what I needed to do.  As hard as it was, I left, and I called the doc.  They told me to come in, they would work me in.  Hubby said he couldn't be there, but to call him when I went in, he would be on speaker.  Still contracting, and bleeding a lot, I went in.  Another ultrasound, and hubs on the phone, there was nothing.  It was gone, or leaving.  I burst into tears, they were truly the worst tears.  He was crying on the line, the nurse was hugging me, and the doctor was just telling me how sorry he was.  He was not happy either.  This was our 2nd miscarriage that year, and one IVF, one FET.  Again, devastation.  I went home, and my MIL drove from South Carolina to be with us.   That night, I remember basically collapsing on the bathroom floor, with my husband, in tears.  I was in so much pain emotionally, and I couldn't express anything but cry.  Luckily it was getting close to the weekend, so I took that Friday off, and just rested.  I bled for a month this time.  Then I went to NC for Thanksgiving.  We had talked about telling them at dinner about the baby, but now we just had to deal with the loss.  I was still bleeding while in NC.  I think I finally stopped around the first of December.

October

After our little blow with a good friend dropping the bomb that she was pregnant, many others were posting on Facebook, and hubby and I were getting over things.  Work was going great, I just landed a huge job designing a medical clinic, and potentially would have 15 in the future to design.  So life was getting back to normal.  We decided after our little vacation in Lido (gulf coast) we would try again.  We wanted a family, and I thought that why not try again while we were fresh with what we had to do.  So we booked the FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) for October 31st....not the best day in my opinion, but ok.  Beginning of October, we went to Lido.  

We bought beach cruisers, packed them in the pickup truck, and had a room on the beach facing the sunset every night.  We walked to dinner after drinks in the room, there were plenty of places in the circle to shop and eat.  It was so nice.  We took a kayak trip, we went to a museum, we watched movies, laid on the beach, road bikes, and picked up shells.  It was so nice, and relaxing, I didn't want to leave!!!  

All this trip we were starting the meds again though, to get my body ready for the FET.  To do so, you shut your ovaries down.  That way, you don't produce any eggs, since you are putting a fertilized egg inside to grow.  You prepare your uterus for the embryo as well.  Its a different amount of medication, but still there are shots, pills and creams.  We were hopeful, but we also didn't get too excited about the whole thing.  

October 31st rolled around, and back into the doc.  This time, you don't go under, you just are awake. It is what it is, there is pain, its not comfortable, but it is the way we have to go.   And then, we transferred, and so again, technically I was pregnant.  

The call

I will have to say, it was taking me time to get over things.  I know I didn't have the pregnancy long, but it was there, and it took so much to get there.  We wanted to go to a game in NC, and see friends.  We figured that would be fun.  We also started looking into a vacation for the two of us, to get away, we decided October would be our best month.  We had a few things to look forward to and that was exciting.  So in September we decided to make the trek to NC.

I got a call one afternoon, it was late August maybe first of September.  I literally had just finished miscarrying, and I had gotten my smile back.   If we had had the baby, we would have been due in April 2014.   We had been working on our next idea for the house, and Hubby and I were strong.  My good friend back home called, and she wanted to talk about the upcoming game.  She was going to be there with her husband, along with several others we were excited to see.  I will never forget it, I was in the parking lot of the grocery store, about to go in to get dinner, and she said "Candace, I wanted to tell you before you all came for the game, that we are pregnant and due in April!"  I think I died inside, but held it together for the call and told her how happy I was!  I had to lie, I mean I was happy for her, but I was lying to myself.  She said she was due beginning of April, exact week we would have been due.  It was uncanny.  I then had to see her and others at the game in a few weeks, and I had to keep it all together.  I didn't tell her a thing, I wanted her to be happy with everything and I wanted to be happy for her.


No one could understand what we had gone through, no one we knew that is, and no one really knew how we felt.  It was not something I would wish upon anyone.  But when you get news of friends or anyone expecting, you can't help but have this pit in your stomach just hurt.  Its like someone is stabbing you in the stomach, you have to stop the tears and stop any words of pain coming out of your mouth.  You then get this strange almost reflux come up through your throat, and hang there, almost paralyzing your voice.  Then you have to smile, and laugh and seem excited through watery eyes that you are holding back, and sarcasm.  You don't want to be that way, you aren't that way but its the way you feel at the moment.  You want a family so much it hurts.  You want your husband to have a child so much, that you feel inadequate.  Its a horrible feeling.  You just want to run in a hole, and not come out till you are pregnant.  I don't think I can describe those feelings any different, you don't want to feel the way you do or act the way you act, but you do and you can't help it.  Its like something else takes over.